Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
