I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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