i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
