I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
