And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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