I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
