I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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