sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
