while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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