I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
