bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
