I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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