i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
