I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Randomize
