he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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