If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
