in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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