The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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