shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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