Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
