I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
