life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
