your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Four minutes until I can fart!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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