Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
