I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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