so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
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