New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
that is very illegal...i love you.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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