Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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