dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
