Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
