did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
