it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
