i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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