ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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