Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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