i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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