i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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