From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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