would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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