They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
