do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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