The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
