My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
