I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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