we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
