Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
