The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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