my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
