I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
