It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize
